How it is.....

2003-12-03T08:51:00.000-05:00

SO I will not be posting here again.
the final decision has been made...i MOVED
to over

HERE

please join me

2003-12-02T10:08:00.000-05:00

I had some pretty wacked out dreams last night. Well last night I had one that involved my Uncle Paul (who is my age and now dead from an overdose) , he was a feeling i couldnt see his face, he was trying to give me money. So then this morning I fell back to sleep on the couch after I got Althea to the bus I dreamt that he (paul) walked in the door and gave me $27 bucks (the money he was trying to give me in the 1st deam). I kinda knew in my dream that he was dead (from the 1st one)so when I saw him I started crying, and I SAW him clearly and he leaned over and gave me a hug and I knew it wasnt real, I knew he was dead so then he turned into my father.... The dream went on with my dad moving my furniture and wierd shit like women off the street coming in to ask for a lighter. But the Paul part was wierd...I've been thinking about him allot lately, his birthday is at the end of the month. I really miss him.

2003-11-29T14:42:00.000-05:00

LOOK at my NEW SITE

please?
Ill be officially there now I think - be patient with me

2003-11-27T22:29:00.000-05:00

ok so I tried iBlog, which is my lame asss way of being as col as all you with movabletext. i cant cut it. Maybe tomorrrow. Until then Om working on a new blog that with coincide with this til it takes over. Im building from the laymans ground up so it'll take while til I publish....keep upi updated.. Unless anyone who knowss MT wants to learn me alittle.

HAPPTY THANKGIVIBG

2003-11-26T14:28:00.000-05:00

i dunno

2003-11-24T10:31:00.001-05:00

nothings publishing and its driving me crazy

2003-11-24T10:31:00.000-05:00

alright I am completely pissed off about the whole email situation.
I guess Im going to have to go back and try edoura. so back to using jes@davidgrover.com. Thanks for your patience.

2003-11-20T11:05:00.001-05:00

i cant wake up in the morning. I went to sleep at 10 last night and still was dead to the world til 10 this morning. Why do I need 12 hours of sleep. Im trying to give myself a break because I DO work 4 nights a week so that would make it harder to wake up BUT I think its more of a matter of depression. I want to stop taking my night time meds cause they MUST be one reasons its so hard to wake up. I talked to Lee about it tonight but hes basically SICK or hearing me feel sorry for myself. I mean he tries to make me feel better...telling me that I do work pretty full time - I clean the house semi-regularly, Ive cookd dinner more in the last month than in the last 2 years! So how come I feel like crawling into a hole and dying.

2003-11-20T11:05:00.000-05:00

I dont even know how or where to start.
New meds, totally depressed, manic as all hell.
Keeping the kids out of school, Isabella officially quit but Althea, well she’s just been skipping. I feel so much better having her home.....shes been really delicate though and Im not sure if its cause shes finally able to fall apart since she isnt holding everything in at school. Today shes been crying abouther hamster that died 8+ months ago, going on about death and dying and how she wished Carman The Hamster just got lost so she didnt have to KNOW it was dead. Wierd. I think Lee is going to be really mad that she didnt goto school today.He says he doesn’t care and he doesnt mind if she decides to homeschool but for some reason he always makes me feel like a failure, like we woke up too late or Im too lazy...well we were up on time and I just asked,”Althea, do you want to goto school or stay home?” she said “stay home”. thats all there is to it. Its harder with t hem both home, they both want all my energy. I never reallized how much easier it is till I was home with just Ella, ya know>
I dont know why I think everyone is mad or disappointed. I always feel like I can never do anything right. If I dont get enough done on the house im a failure. If I do and I dont goto the office im a failure. I work 3 jobs and try and raise and unschool 2 young girls the best I can and I never cut myself a break. But I cant I KNOW I can do more, I KNOW I could cook dinner everynight and mop once a week, still goto work, work well, have a social life and not feel guilty about every single moment of my life. right now I should be mopping....but instead Im a fucking loser

princess Isabel

2003-11-17T09:18:00.000-05:00

ABQjournal: Homeschooling: Teaching Thy Children Well

2003-11-17T08:47:00.000-05:00

2003-11-16T15:10:00.000-05:00

iafrica.com | news | world news Youths emerge from Canada wilderness

and commentary

Yo Mama Says

2003-11-15T12:28:00.002-05:00

washing the bug

holloween 03

smiles

2003-11-15T12:28:00.001-05:00

oh yeah, my email is down so from now on all my personal emails will goto

rowantree@community.hipmama.com

once my business mail gets fixed i'll leave it for business.

2003-11-15T12:28:00.000-05:00

So I dont know whats the matter with me. I just feel so hopeless and devoid of energy. I found out yesterday that a dear friend was in a nearly fatal car accident. She has broken every vertibrae in her back she'll be out of comission for a LONG time. She has 2 children 11 and 4 years old. I used to work for her at her flower shop and now I guess Im feeling like I need to help, Im one of the only ones who really can. Where my problem lies is that my life has just one too many burdens on it already and this one would be huge. I mean of course Im going to help however I can, I just am already depressed at the knowing that im going o probably be breaking down soon.

fuck - im just depressed cause Im depressed. I dont need a freakin reason.
Im scared for for my friend. Im sad for her children.
im going to post some pictures...

2003-11-14T10:28:00.000-05:00

Boy I was so depressed for the last almost week. I have lost a big chunk of my self-confidence for somewhere along the way. I don't feel like I don't have a handle on anything and its making me feel uncapable and the I get a SIL who came over and made some digging remarks, so sly I'm not even sure she realized that she was being insulting. My husbands family is full of people who want to clean our house and back yard...helpful, but honestly out house isn't THATbad, so I find it a little bit like an attack on my homemaking & Moneymaking abilities. I know DH gets really offended. The other thing is that I've been planning and starting to homeschooling for a few years now and this year both kids went to school because I had a slight mental issue. Now I'm so lost, I don't feel like I have or do anything that matters much to me, no homeschooling, no career, just jobs that suck up time and don't make me that much money.

ANYWAY

That was last week. Today feel better, I talked to the p.doc and had a little meds adjustment. Isabella quit school. YEAH Hurrah. She wasn't born to goto school she says. So I get to homeschool again. WE had a week of Leland and Isabel not communicating well at all, so it took a bit but she told him she doesn't want to go at all and so now I have to tell Bob. I also figured out that its costing us as much as Waldorf would have, which is like a kick in the butt!

yeah so today is better, we watercoloered a little this morning - then we're going to go over to Isabellas friends house (Luke). But she wont put socks on so we cant leave..........

2003-11-07T08:49:00.000-05:00

Which Survivor of the Impending Nuclear Apocalypse Are You?
A Rum and Monkey joint.

2003-11-01T17:10:00.000-05:00

Quote of the day
Upon getting ready for my inlaws anniversary party:
me- "lets go take a bath"
Isabel- "NO! - Im going to go take a bath for the party"
me- "should I help you"
Isabel- "yes, come on"

Ahh, what it is to be three!

2003-11-01T16:42:00.000-05:00

Build-A-Biz - When women entrepreneurs build a business with technology as the infrastructure, you get some interesting results. My son, age 8, has been begging me to visit Build-A-Bear with him. I finally gave in and went over to the mall... [Misbehaving]

This is a pretty cool thing. We did it year because they were having a promotional thing where you buy a bear at like half price and you make your own bear and one for a kid who isnt as fortunate (I think it was a hospital). So we're always up for charity, especially if it can involve and reward the kids for it. I think I liked it more than the kids. My grandma would have LOVED this a few years back (she had a 'thing' for teddy bears).
Who invented the little car attatched to the supermarket cart? Whoever you are thank you. Its bad enough for me going to the 'big' supermarket, bad lights and all, but the kids go crazy!!!

2003-10-31T08:32:00.000-05:00

Althea is off to school in a cowgirl outfit that is not too costume to wear to school. I wasn't sure if they were supposed to wear their costumes but either way I never found the witch outfit so it had to do. she seemed ok with it, Im not sure she would have felt comfortable goin in all costumed up, she kind of conservative. Dh went and got her snack, very appreciated by me. a Good start- she even ate OATMEAL!!
Its supposed to be like 60 or 70 degrees - awesome.
Could I possibly have a good day. I have allot to do and some stuff Im not going to get done - I hope that'll be ok with me!
My costume for tonight is a little outrageous! My friend and I decided to be cats..Mine is kind of a catwoman at a party costume - I got Vinyl Red Knee high platform boots and a vinyl minidress. I NEVER wear this kind of stuff, but its Halloween, isn't that the point? Lee made an AWESOME pirate suit, he and althea have the whole neighborhood mapped out and her friends houses all circled. This year should be interesting since she goes to school now and we are BOUND to know ALLOT more kids and thus parents too. AH socializing with the soccermoms, love it! We live in a pretty cool area, allot of people are rea'lly down to earth and cool, and its still weird.

2003-10-31T08:26:00.000-05:00

HAPPY HOLLOWEEN

AlterNet: Halloween: A Communal Catharsis:
a nice holloweeny article for all ya'all this morning.
Ill be back after more coffee!

2003-10-30T08:55:00.000-05:00
Holloween Clean
Today Im cleaning the house. I dont mean 'cleanin' up, Im mean deep down dirty clean. Im not 100% confident that I'll be successfull but I have to try. So Ive given myself alittle schedule----
start cleaning at 11 (coffee, computer, wakeup cuddle timetil til then)
first the kitchen, cause it stinks and It need to be gotten over with,
living/tv rooms just pick up cause I mopped yesterday,
and then THE FRONT PORCH!!!!
I think before I even go TRY to upstairs Ill do the porch, Since the tricke or treat is the entertainment.
Does anyone have put good Ideas for holloween party favors,
we're doing the little boxes that the kids put their hands in and feel "eyeballs" (peeled grapes)
and stuff. I thought of spaghetti too, but what else is there?
bobbing for apples..etc - please help

2003-10-29T13:26:00.000-05:00
We wont go into my impending depression, it ll just prolong the blog entry and bring everyone down with me.
The upside is that the kids are home 1/2 day today, WEEE.. I feel like its like having friends over, Ive been missing them so much since they started school.
Thats the only upside.
The cats have diarrhea and will not do it outside the house. and the whole house stinks!

2003-10-28T17:11:00.000-05:00

Fantastic!! You are GEORGIA O'KEEFE.
You are a true spirit of nature, and it shows in
the flowing floral paintings for which you are
most famous. You feel the beauty of all things
around you, and your friends appreciate you for
your ability to share that extraordinary beauty
with them.

Which famous artist most reflects your personality?
brought to you by Quizilla

2003-10-28T10:06:00.000-05:00
Conflict Girl Says allot of stuff Ive been torn about lately......

2003-10-24T14:24:00.000-04:00
blkah blah blah blah

2003-10-22T08:19:00.000-04:00
So Ive been searching around HipMama, its pretty darn cool to have it back. I kept the kids home from school today since we all woke up about an hour and ahlf late and I KNEW I would just be a big bitch if I tried to rush them into getting ready in some sort of decent time. Isabella has a pretty good case of the stuffies anyway, and Althea has been doing so good about wanting to go and getting up so when she said she didnt want to I didnt argue. We do have to goto the office today for a bit...probably.
We'll see how it goes...

2003-10-21T16:21:00.000-04:00
So Im sitting trying to get my Bug Inspected. I dont really expect it to pass BUT I have to at least get rejected in order to drive the little fucker around. I MUSt be about to get my period because I am SUCH a bitch its unbelievavle. I really shouldnt be allowed around the human race today. I luckily faked it for the kids this morning so we all had a decent morning BUT I tell you - Im not a happy camper. I got to work today and the printer was gone...just gone. I guess a friend of my dads ‘borrowed’ it. Now who in their right mind lends out an office printer - hmmmm? Its the ONLY ONE. So needless to say I did NO work today except 1 call back to a stupid idiot lady who has supposedly been trying to call or email or anything for a 10 days and has had no luck. To this I have to laugh because I got plenty of emails and messages from plenty of other people so why all our electronics equipment would choose to keep her (and only her) at bay is beyond me.
------------------------------------------
SO I DIDNT PASS - BUT FOR THE MOST ASSINIGN REASONS!!
1 - No windshield wiper fliud squirter
2 - Loose bumper

they adjusted my headlights and told me I have a Liscence Plate Light out - which I dont.

So Im out $30 bucks for nothing. I mean if it had been like a real REASON - instead of windshield wiper fluid. Geez Ive never heard of such a thing. Im trying to be hqappy about the fact that it wont take TOO much to fix, trying to look on the bright side. Its raining out - there is no bright side.

I cant get onto the internet so often lately.

Its Lees Birthday and Im taking him out to dinner. i want to take him out to buy a heater for my car - but its HIS birthday after all. We spend so much money when we go out to dinner. Its really out of control. We dont have it to spend but yet we eat it up anyway. Im a sucker for treating myself to meals out. i HATE preparing food - well I used to- i lilke it more and more lately.I HATE cleaning up after it and Im a waitress...THUS I like to go out to eat and drink a bottle of wine and I cnt seem to do that for less tha $75 dollars (as long as its not sushi - than its like $120)

Does anyone know how to keep a vw bug really warm...are there any new inventions out there?

2003-10-20T08:48:00.000-04:00
I know its been a couple days, lets see we did... Friday Isabella nad i went to the museum with Luke and Jackie. The kids had fun and we took a trip to the dreaded WalMart, where I purchased a seatcover and a pair of kick ass boots. I dont think I've ever gone to Walmart without getting a HUGE headache. So on we move to friday night I worked and made a ton of moolah..Saturday was lazy at home day, worked saturday night and then went and saw Babaloo awesome as usual. The kids were with my mom so Sunday when we picked them up we all went to the mall and saw a movie. 'Good Boy" for the kids and 'Kill Bill' for us. Wow I loved that movie, he is so awesome - no one else can play sourthen style guitar while in the orient during a snowfall swordfight scene. I am happily awaiting part 2!

Im supposed to goto the office Im sure. Dad and Kathy are in Pittsburgh though so i sorta wanta just wait. It sucks to go there all by yourself. I want the house to be clean, but i dont know if Im capable of cleaning it. Maybe if I just did laundry ALL day - then it would be clean and folded and put away, ALL of it. ok ive convinced myself LAUNDRY IS IT!

I just checked out the "new" HipMama, It seems cool - its in Blog format. I really look foward to connecting with all these woman again. I remember hipmama basically getting me through my 2nd pregnany. I met one of my very good friends at a hip mama camping trip.when the message board went down alot of people were lost. Alot of littler boards went up so people could try to stay together, somehow not lose those wonderful women who helped us all so much. Allot was lost but i now read quite a few blogs from people I remember at hipmama. With that being said Im off to check out the new style of hipmama!

2003-10-16T14:10:00.000-04:00
Im so fuckin Manic today.
Im doing a hundred things at once. BUt I did get the Beetle painted and Im going for an inspection this after noon... off to clean the kitchen.

- so manic that I was moving to fast to post the entry - ha

2003-10-15T07:37:00.000-04:00
I only have a second cause I HAVE GOT to get the kids off - Althea to the bus on time.
Shes going apple picking today. Isabella doesnt want to goto school anymore because she has a realy hard time at naptime. So I think Ill pick her up BEFORE naptime starts and see if she can like that. Im alittle afraid the guy is going to pressure us like, " Its really better of she just learns to stay all day" FUCK THAT. its really better if shes happy.
wish me luck.

2003-10-11T15:27:00.000-04:00
Lets just say it wasnt a fingerprick and leave it at that

2003-10-10T10:08:00.000-04:00
Yesterday was really cool. Jackie came over and Ella and Luke played together really well. Althea was extraordinarily helpful and playing with them very nicely. After they left we rode bikes and hung our new world map. The map sparked a discussion about Our Good 'Ole genicidal boy Chris Columbus. I cant believe that they still teach that crap in school! Anyway that didnt last long because Althea was so amazed about how much damn water there was and we got into a big look up session about whales and how they eat plankton and are mammals not fish...you know the details.
We also made a change around the house. Lee(dh) has come down with a WICKED bad case of Exzema that hasnt hit him this hard since the last time he lived in the room that we were in now. We've gone through everything we could think of - laundry detergent, soap, food you get it. So now we've put a queen size bed in the guest room and taken it over as our own. Its really cozy (aka: tiny) but its kinda refreshing to be cozy now that its getting cold. before we were in a redone attic on the 3rd floor. Lots of stairs. This is closer to the girls rooms. I like it so far, ask me again in the middle of winter when my clothes start to take over (and they will, oh yes, they will).
Because the girls are in the public system now we have to be immunized and lead tested. I wasnt ever really against any of the immunizations cause we travel to some pretty little jungle towns (one had just been through a measels epidemic before we had gotten there) and lessening the risk of getting whooping cough on vaccation didnt bother me. But this is a lead test - we dont have lead in our house, they dont eat car paint chipping off in the driveway. Althea is already losingit! Isabella WANTS to go first. Did I mention they have to goto the hospital for a freaking fingerprick. what is the point of that - just to scare the shit out of the kids. errrrr. so we're going to breakfast and then to buy new tights for winter and the BAM sneak the finger prick in.

2003-10-09T08:44:00.000-04:00
Computers bite my ass
SOO Im alittle confused about my comments. They arent working in Safari - only in Explorer. I thought yesterday that it wouldnt post on a moveable type blog Im on - but the post is there today, I think the problem is that I have no Idea how to use movable type. Im supposed to be cleaning uyp cause my friend jackie and her son Luke (3) are coming over and the house is a mess. Althea stayed home from school again today. Its a half day (good excuse). Any excuse will do really. Ahh I really wish I wasn't unschooler - cause then I could just pull her out and not listen to what she wants. This listening to your children and treating them with the respect they deserve and the ability to make some choices for themselves thing is for the birds!

2003-10-03T07:50:00.000-04:00
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME
Well todays the day, Im 28. This doesnt much matter to me since I thought I was turning 28 last year, it kind of feels like an extension. Althea informed me yesterday that I am not a grown up, rather sort of a forever teenager. I guess I could see why she would think this, sometimes I feel not very much like a grown up, actually its not really that often that I DO feel grown up. Maybe shes right - maybe my parents are grown ups and I never will be. I wonder think I thought my parents were grown up - i cant quite remember...

2003-10-02T14:11:00.000-04:00
Its a very cold fall day, the sky drizzles drips off the leaves. Its especially enjoyable from my couch, curled up with wool socks and sweater, the laptop and Mrs Dalloway. Im trying to drag myeself to do some house cleaning before Isabel wakes up, I havent gone anywhere yet so Im thinking I wont make it. This houses life moves so much faster than I can keep up with, Its really abeautiful house if only you could see it. We have some very nice furniture, I think, its hard to tell from beneath the papers and books and pumkins and ketchup. Alright that helped motivate me alittle. . . . not enough.
but now I cant stop thinking about it...ok...fine.....Im going........
bye

2003-09-30T14:13:00.000-04:00
Babies Yet to Be Born
3 of my very good friends are pregnant and 1 more about to be (Im sure). I dont why I fond that odd or worth discussing, we're all similar ages and I was fairly young when I had my 2 girls so I shouldnt be suprised that they are continueing to have kids just cause Im done. I think its cause babies perplex me now, Im not quite sure about them, I love being able to communicate with the girls, conversation that they have are so incredible. I guess I am enjoying them growing up so much that I wouldnt want to go back to that baby stage, AND I am so done having more kids that I couldnt imagine starting over. Basically I think these women are crazy (just kiddin guys!)
It'll be fun to have a bunch of babies around, especially cause they aren't mine...(insert semi-evil laugh here)

2003-09-29T08:31:00.000-04:00
School Mornings
todays went pretty well so far, we woke up hella latebut Thea still made the bus on time. I already miss her since I got to have her all to myself last week. But this week she has a 1/2 day thursday and no school on friday or monday! I am Letting Isabella sleep later than she should, but she probably needs it.
I hope that I can kick the rest of this cough soon, I feel like im dying all the time, hack hack*spit* gag blow nose..then repeat. a few more days Theas coughs basically gone and Ellys are far in between.
ALrught I must go get the babe up from slumber.
Thinking of Maria and wishing her well in the birthing process! you go girl!

2003-09-26T10:29:00.000-04:00
HOPE?
An Occupied Country | Howard Zinn | October 2003 Issuemaybe there is hope after all..
"Bush lied to the American people about Saddam and his weapons. And when people learn the truth--as happened in the course of the Vietnam War--they will turn against the government. We who are for peace have the support of the rest of the world. The United States cannot indefinitely ignore the ten million people who protested around the world on February 15. The power of government--whatever weapons it possesses, whatever money it has at its disposal--is fragile. When it loses its legitimacy in the eyes of its people, its days are numbered.
We need to engage in whatever nonviolent actions appeal to us. There is no act too small, no act too bold. The history of social change is the history of millions of actions, small and large, coming together at critical points to create a power that governments cannot suppress. We find ourselves today at one of those critical points."

2003-09-26T10:16:00.000-04:00
Another Disgusting War Story
Occupation Watch: Grassroots Democracy in Iraq, American Style This article is one of so many on this website that stun me. Well I should say they used to stun me now I just find myself shaking my head in disgust and discouragment. I really cant believe that 'they' are getting away with all this. I am amazed at the 2 companies that are hired to do the recoonstruction with no bidding and no one to stop them. 'They' really are successfully taking over the world. How helpless do you feel...........

2003-09-25T13:04:00.000-04:00
Open House and More....
I am still sick - not bedridden sick anymore - but practically. The girls both have Bronchitus...Which sucks but its really nice to have my girls both at home again. I so regret letting Althea go to school, I really hope we dont get sucked into next year. We went to the open house tuesday night. It was useless. "Althea's a very smart girl, ready for more than the class is doing but they have to teach the kids how to do the school routine first" AARGGG - why then shouldnt I keep her home and teach her more DAMNIT. That really irked me. Not to mention that she's like a math genius and they arent doing much math they're doingt reading and writing mostly. Im sure that Althea will be happy come june when she can read really well, and if shes already ahead in math then what am I worried about. I guess what gets me the most is how its hurt our family life, shes totally miserable all afternoon. Yelling at me the second she gets home from school, cause shes exhausted. I love this '55 reasons to homeschool'. I have hungry sick children who just took the last 5 minutes to "clean the bathroom" which really means that I now have to clean the bathroom....after lunch.

2003-09-23T08:49:00.000-04:00
Bored, sick ramblings

Im so freakin sick. Isabella gave me her fever and I have tonsils the size of texas. Food hardly fits down my throat at this point. When Im sick is the only time i REALLY wish I had cable. I could lay here and watch soap operas all day. Its a disgusting habit really. Ive been generally allot happier with out the tube but now that the new survivor:Pearl Island is on AND im sick, Im this close to calling the cable company. First Im going to call my friend Robin cause I think she tapes (suvivor) cause she works thursday nights....aaahh addicted. On another cutback we now only have 1 car...I think it may be alright although that may just be because Im sick and dont want to go anywhere. Lee started working with a new crew and so we should be able to catch up pretty soon. The pay is less and the hours are a bit longer, but realistically they're much more sensible for our new "school" fall schedule. We all get up in the morning, Lee and me (kinda) at 6 thent he girls alittle before 7 to get ready for school. I does make the day longer not to mention the fact that I cant really leave... I guess once Im feeling better I can take the bus...ill be back have to make some tea before my throat falls out........

2003-09-22T16:15:00.000-04:00
Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Havrard uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer is in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by itslef but the wrod as a wlohe. Initsereg!!
(hehehe)

2003-09-20T09:18:00.000-04:00
Good Morning

Misleader.org: Daily Mislead This link was emailed to me from Maria.

2003-09-19T09:39:00.000-04:00
Another School Morning

Althea got up pretty well today - well we were on time. She only went to school cause there was gym today. She was up late protesting sleep and between her bathroom acccidents(more on this later) and her sister coming down with what seems like bronchitus I asked "come on honey, its time to get up for school.....(no answer)....Baby are you too tired ,do you want to stay home?" poor sleeping child muttering,"Is gym today?". I said yes and she took a deep breathe and said, ok. Downstairs went pretty smooth, They had pizza at school so I didnt have to make lunch and so I got to sit with her while she got dressed. Of course that helps but its still like pulling teeth...

2003-09-19T09:12:00.000-04:00
I remember seeing this awhile ago, if you havent read it, take a minute..............

A wonderful Message by George Carlin:

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but
shorter tempers, wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but
have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller
families, more
conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more
knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more
medicine, but less wellness. We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too
recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too
late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too
seldom. We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk
too much, love too
seldom, and hate too often. We've learned how to make a living, but not a
life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to
the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new
neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger
things, but not
better things. We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've
conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We
plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We
build more
computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we
communicate less and less. These are the times of fast foods and slow
digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow
relationships. These are
the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes.
These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one
night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to
quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and
nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to
you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or
to just hit delete. Remember, spend some time with your loved ones, because
they are not going to be around forever. Remember, say a kind word to
someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will
grow up and leave your side. Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to
you,
because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it
doesn't cost a cent. Remember, to say, "I love you" to your partner and your
loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt
when it comes from deep inside of you.
Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will
not
be there again. Give time to love, give time to speak, and give time to
share the precious thoughts in your mind. Life is not measured by the number
of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

HOW TO STAY YOUNG

1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height.
Let the doctor worry about them. That is why you pay him/her.

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening,
whatever. Never let the brain idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop."
And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move
on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE
while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets,
keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good,
preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can
improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to a
foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:

Life is not measured by the number of breaths
we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. If you
don't send this to at least 8 people.... who cares?

George Carlin

2003-09-18T17:59:00.000-04:00
My mother never made me goto school. I was enrolled and stuff but I wasnt there allot. That was fine til 3rd grade and my dad and the teachers started flipping out. NOw I have a child in school and Im having the same disrespect for the attedance laws. I hate the structure, 7 pm is a ridiculous time to goto bed for a child that likes to be up til late and then sleep late in the morning. Shes ALWAYS been that way. 6 hours a day is like a full time job for a 5 year old. Her everysecond of time is so filled with things Ithink I may burn out. After 3rd grade I started the manic schedule Ive always kept...no time for sitting, no time for anything but doing things.....its a very unenjoyable way of life. I dont want Althea to live it. Not to even mention the Pledge of Alliegence and My country 'tis of Thee'. It confusing cause I remember being mad at my momif we didnt make it to school. I liked it. Althea likes it. So now I have to do some 'untraining' so I dont turn into my mother. I have to let it be her choice, and atill try to make time for her to chill out.
any suggestions.
School is killing me - and Im only in Kindergarten!

2003-09-15T02:30:00.000-04:00
Ive been blogging mostly in a private blog because I started a new med and I need to keep track of it. I also dont have much of interest to say. I almost shared some of my private blog on this one but I chickened out. Instead Ill just say that manicdepression is an ovewhelming disease that takes over your whole life. I cant remember the last time I wanted to be alive and yet Im still here.

2003-09-15T02:20:00.000-04:00
Every little moment in life has the ability to be the most important moment of your life!

Please think about this for a moment.......

2003-09-14T09:58:00.000-04:00
Yesterday we went to Lenox to see the Tub Parade which is a parade all about the little old horse and buggy's that tyheys always had. It was cool, We bought stalex and Costa and a his mom. the speak mostly greek so its always an adventure. the kids love each other.

Im in a weird mood thins morning. Lees sleeping and thats annoying me alittle. We need to go get Althea new earrings before her holes close up and we got into a huge fight about it last night. Lets just say I realize that hes 'had enough' of me asking him for things - to help me or do thing with the kids. Maybe hes just had enough of me.

So last nightg in the midst of doing stuff on this blog I totally passede out. Next thing I know Im upstairs and Lelands telling me hes goign to watch 'the fight', I ask where the kids are. I had the weirdest feeling, I didnt know what was goin on. I didnt feel like he should have left, it didnt registar if the girls were sleeping or not. It they were sleepin it should of been fine. I just felt unconnected to my head - or just sleeping I guess.

2003-09-13T20:10:00.000-04:00
so this posting the new template is having issues

2003-09-13T20:00:00.000-04:00
Actually I think I change the look and feel of my blogging life. Maybe have it be allitle more journal like and less spaceshot ravings.....first Im manic so I need to set a up a dope template and I cant do ANYHTING until its done - or someone gets hurt. On a side note I just had a half hour flip session about things that didnt really need to be flipped ot about. Took a few lorazapam and Im 'better"

2003-09-13T19:46:00.000-04:00
So because of a week of nausea and other side effects Im on something new. I need to keep a close eye on my mood and other such things that would be affected. So you'll have to excuse me if my blog has a side note of what my mood is each day and such things like that.

2003-09-12T12:13:00.000-04:00
i am previewing

2003-09-09T15:27:00.000-04:00
I COOKED!!! I made Sopa de Lima - this awesome chicken Lime soup from Mexico. Its one of my favorites and I actually cooked it. It came out good and everything,This soup is too spicy for the kkids so of course I then had to IM Christy and ask her how to make beans and rice. Im really no good in the kitchen. Im too Irish - spaghetti, with butter and garlic is as fancy as i usually get, Well I did recently discover Vodka Sauce which I quickly fell in love with. Ok Im off to make rice and beans......,

2003-09-09T08:39:00.000-04:00
Pink Prickly Pear comments on a waldorfy morning struck me because Im going through some of the same feelings about Thea going off to Kindergarten. I also thought she got unecessarily reemed by some commenters, but who am I to say........

2003-09-08T14:45:00.000-04:00
This is an awsome blog that I found through Christy

2003-09-08T14:28:00.000-04:00

2003-09-03T17:28:00.000-04:00
I AM FUCKING PISSED. at this whole school thing. I was thinking Kindergarten you know. like 9-3 tops, not 8:05 til 4:30 which is when the buss rolled in today. No more bussing in the afternoon for us. Althea is not to pleased with my decision to pick her up.Im freaking about a ton of stuff anyway. I have to drive to NYC at 3 AM to get flowers for this wedding Im doing on Sat. I really dont want to go on and on about how miserable I am.

Its really hard to describe manic depression.
My head pounds and my stomach churns, migraines neverending....
My rage overpowers everything, its mostly rage at feeling so depressed and it fills me up with this HUGE energy that only has hurt and anger in it.....It only takes a bit before it explodes all over everything in my life and then when its all spent all that left is the tears of emptiness and guilt over what Ive put my family through.
And then it starts again....and again
and Im tired.
Im tired of the feelings, but mostly Im just tired.

I dont know what you do when you give up, other than suicide- which Im just too damn sqweimish for, and Ive always figured I deserved to suffer

2003-09-01T10:35:00.000-04:00
I just wrote a LONG ASS blog entry and its lost - Im pissed

2003-09-01T10:22:00.000-04:00
WELLL.... Yesterday we spent the whole day cleaniing rooms and stuff for 1st day of school. I love that organized feeling you have whn everything is clean and new and fresh. It goes right along with that fall crisp feeling that appears in the morings and evenings in Sept, AHHH. as long as its not me going back to school Im happy. I do get to goto work with no kids which has to have a huge impact on not only the quantity of my work but definaltely the quality. So we did like 100 loads of laundry (which isnt done yet) and totally cleaned both kids rooms and the hall. Because we moved in while finishing off the downstairs its NEVER really been a nice looking clean house before ever. When I threw the shower I pulled the downstairs together, finishin hometouches like a coffee table and such....and now the up dtsirs is looking that way. its refreshing....

Im happy with the school decision. Kindergarten is NOT for learning numbers or reading, its about learning how to socialize, making some friends. now she'll know the kids on this block and in the neighborhood. Thats where shes at right now anyway, she wants to make some friends...I was really most concerned about how she'll take it when we DO pull her in a year or 3 - but I just cant deal with that now - cross that bridge when we get to it, ya know. This is why what I do is unschooling not homeschooling...whats right for Althea, Its what she wants and then when we bring her out in a year or 2 she'll have a social connection with enough kids that Ill never have to hear that fucking arguement again. I still consider us unschooling cause Ill never look at school as a priority in our lives. If she doesnt want to go she doesnt...I remember 3rd grade being harder and not so fun so I hope I get her back then.
have a good day!

2003-08-28T16:04:00.000-04:00
So i came home after a nice day doing arrands to find a letter from my mother with a horoscope that said something along the lines of "The difference between successful relationships and failed ones is all about follow through. Everyone makes mistakes but responding to these screw ups in a reasonable and loving way could save the bonds you hold dear" - I wrote back and said "if you cant say anything nice then dont say anything at all". OOOh i hate her, she added manipulatively that she was moving with the dog out of town- to Montreal. As if this is supposed to be somedead line for me to forgive and accept her for th cold hearted bitch that she is. I love her - I do. But I have to learn that we cant love each other because we both snap and shes mean. she told me I should be locked up cause I AM crazy, um yeah i know - its her that wont admit it.

so anyway i come home and pop a few anti freak out pills and run around the house like a manic tazmanian devil, unload car, check messges anything to make not stop and deal or relax. I need Leland I need to stop - I am running on all cylinders. I dont know what to do so Im just typing and typing ann so on. I want to eat my tortallinni soup but we have no fucking dishes cause we had no fucking dish detergent- no laundry det. I still fucking forgot paper towel. blog around and try to chill....,,
I guess Im going to

2003-08-26T16:01:00.000-04:00
I really dont like cleaning out our Car. Its not like an hour and a half of work even dents it. Theres always that layer of slime underneath the undercoat that never is removed. Its the dog hair and chewing gum of 5 years ago that are stuck in all the cracks.

my children are drinving me up a wall. They are actually being better behaved than usuall until they sarted hunger and tired fight (during the car) so I screamed for momm time out and thy went to their rooms. 5 minutes Layer hear comes the wailing from Althea the Great.she will not give me 2 freaking minutes alone. Now Ive reverted to 5 year old mode and am screaming right beck at her. -"If you (fill in blank) Than Im ganna..... ". back to head aches are us ....

2003-08-26T11:26:00.000-04:00
So another stupid little nothing post. None of my blogs have any meat anymore. Honstly I think its cause Ive been so busy I seriously haven't had time to sit down for more than 5 seconds. Also Ive been doing allot of serfing for info on Meds.
brb Athea got a new new computer game. She loves those things. They're funny about going to school. I thought the'd be more excited. Maybe I never believed they REALLY wanted to homeschool. A couple times Theas threatened that,"shes NOT going school unless I (fill in the blanc). Isabellas more excited and says shes only going to like the boys because they're handsome.
.Line goes hear about the wedding flowers Im doing next week.Im off to surf a bit - blog around, whatever they call it these days...

2003-08-25T17:47:00.000-04:00
I guess I had a mental breakdown
theres know way around it now - The kids are going to go to schooli just cant do it this year so we are goin with Mounain Road School. It ends in 5th grade so even if were stuck for a year (if they love it ) jr & high school are a large part of our concern sooooo.
So Im also not going to be working much but 2 days a week at the office. Im thinking of working tuesday nights - bubt Im scared about how things pile up so quickly.
more later....

2003-08-15T18:04:00.000-04:00
so other than my life completely falling apart for months, today we are prepping the house and yard for a huge bridal shower we're about to have. So thats cool cause now our house and yard are all nice and all we needed was alittle motivation.My medical sagas are to tumultuos to get into at all. never will I speak to that bitch who gave birth to me. Fuck her, her ship, its crew and her 3 more times!

2003-08-13T11:29:00.000-04:00
i know i havent been blogging much but I will be again someday I swear. Ive been sick inthe stoumach, sicker in the head and I herdly have the energy to lift my head right now. nothing intereestin right now. Doin my ususal Aug - should they goto school cause Im such a bad mother or should I just5 make them suffer the wrath of me.

2003-08-06T16:07:00.000-04:00
Canada was good and I thought this was funny:

These questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism
Website; and obviously the answers came from a fellow Canuck.

Q: I have never seen it warm in Canada on TV, so how do the plants grow?
(UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them
die.

Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto...can I follow the railroad
tracks? (UK)
A: Sure, it's only four thousand miles, take lots of water. . .

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)
A: So its true what they say about Swedes.

Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to
contact for a stuffed beaver. (Italy)
A: Umm... yeah....let's not touch this one.

Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of
them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Ca-na-da is that big country to your North . . . oh forget it. Sure, the
hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and
we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y,
which is... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday
night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come
naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you
tell me where I can sell it in Canada? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Canada? (UK)
A: You are an British Politician, right?

Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female
population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)
A: Only at Thanksgiving.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round?
(Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is
illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Canada who can dispense rattlesnake
serum. (USA)
A: All Canadian rattlesnakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled
and make good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its
name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. (USA)
A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains
of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying
yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: I was in Canada in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated
while I was staying in Surrey, BC. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.

2003-07-30T10:00:00.000-04:00
you ever have one of those months? Its summer and Im supposed to feel better but all I feel is raging anger pulsing through my veins. Its not constant, theres times I want to dance on moonbeams and times I cant get out of bed. I havent had much to write about except my general misery so Ive been keeping to muself. The story of my meds is so long and twisted that I refuse to tell it.
We are going to Montreal tomorrow for Warped tour and that should be fun. 4 days no kids (im nervous). They'll have fun with my mom.gotta go give the dog a hair cut.....

2003-07-25T04:16:00.000-04:00
i think that bi-polar people are attracted to each other. My best friend is manic, My mother and Father were both manic....my first 'LOVE' was 1 step crazier than I am. I think finding each other makes us feel normal... Like, "you mean there are other people who feel like me?" and its hard to believe cause feeling bipolar is really intense, I dont know if I believe than anyone really feels as much as I do. But I know that they do... Im pretty nuts but there are some real fruitcakes out t here. I guess I am oe of them. I would like to believe that maic depression doesnt rule my life but in fact it does. In the way that I take 600 mg of LI 3 xs a day and 100 mg of wellbutrin 2xs a day. Not to mention what I take because i have an anxiety issue. im sick of it. I still freak out and hurt myself so whats the point of all these drugs that dont do shit?

2003-07-22T20:11:00.000-04:00
Ima bad bad blogger. Ive just been so damn depressed its fucking killing me. Jobs are all shifting and Im not quite sure what the end result will be...long story but I'll keep you all updated. The kids are loving camp, so thats excellent, next year we'll definatley do 2 weeks at both camps ($$$$$$). Im trying not to lose hope that we will be in mexico for christmas. I need to go there - I cant do another winter here, its mexico or move. I hurt my bqad badly and can barely sit up here. short post.

2003-07-15T10:49:00.000-04:00
well that post came out much more 'feel sorry for me' than intended. Im going to try welbutrin along with my my Li, I go to pick it up today. The other thing is the stupid ass pharmacist wont refill my Li so I had to have the shrink talk to them about that too.... Enough about my stupid mental problems.
IM GOING TO GET MY NEW TATTOO RIGHT NOW !!!!!
yeah - ill post a picture asap k?

2003-07-15T04:41:00.000-04:00
so once again its late at night. goe done with work, then went out for a few beers.....
I dont reallt know where to start, Im working 3 jobs, 2 of which are intersesting at the moment.
1st id Big Bear Music a great kids music place and Xicotencal - mexican joint, and the always 20 rairoad. Xico's wants me more and I dont know how 20 would take it.

On a personal note I got into a tiff with Lee today. Long story short it had to do mostly with me being angry that Im manic depressive and hes not. or anyone for that matter. I think its completely unfair that Im doomed to take meds for the rest of my life just to mantain some semblance of normalcy or sanity. Every single pill I take I question whether or not I should be doing it. Im someone who never took prescriptions... anti-biotic or otherwise, I hardly took tylenol.and yet here I am completely dependent on meds to stablize my moods. He had a hurt neck and was taking it easy, it drove me nuts to think that a hurt neck (which would be the least of my pain) drove him to lie in bed all day. I think of the mental anguish I endure and i get so frustrated (angry) at his idea of pain.i just find it so unfair that I have to live daily through thae pain of overwhelming emotions and other people dont have to. I'll probably have to take meds forever and still not be as stable as other people.

2003-07-09T13:40:00.000-04:00
not much changes. Lithium just stopped working and Ive been fucking nuts ever since. Im ultra-rapidly-cycling or mixed state constantly. Its really quite horrific. I really want to commit myself or send the kids to grandparents so they arent around me...I just feel like Im going to explode all the time - or I breakdown sobbing....Im in no state to be caretaking little children and yet I have NO other choice...its one of the most frustrating aspects of whats going on. So the Shrink told me that because of summer and the extended light and shit the manics are more higher and the lows lower. So he upped my Li and we'll see how it goes.

2003-07-04T02:56:00.000-04:00
up late again.. work was absolutely nuts.. it wasn't a very good $$$$ making night but it was very busy. Its the dogs 1st birthday and for some reason thats a big deal. Its late, Im in apissy mood and it just keeps getting worse. i just had the stupidest argument with Lee. Its one of those ridiculous things that is going to be blown way out of proportion . i give up. I cant make anyone happy, including myself so fuck it. BLAH@!!!

2003-07-03T03:14:00.000-04:00
um late at night.... home from work..... not busy - no $$$$- got a new job bartending at a cool mexican place. Margaritas.... tired---sleep now... goodnight.

2003-07-01T10:01:00.000-04:00
So wow - what a long 2 weeks. Malika was home and I worked like mad so we could afford to goto the Jersey Shore for a few days. We just got back, it was mayham, and chaotic, and fun as all hell. We did the beach and the boardwalk and the one thing that Althea didnt get to do ('rock'climbing on an climbing wall) at the shore she got to do in NYC when we went and hooked up with Christy and Family in CENTRAL PARK. im exhausted yet to be unpacked and waiting for Elly to wake up so we can go out to breakfast.....more later.....

2003-06-23T10:54:00.000-04:00
It has been brought to my attention that I forgot to change the answers in layer SIX

LAYER SIX:
In the past month.
- Drank alcohol:oh yea
- Smoked: yes
- Done a drug: oh yea
- Made Out: oh yea!
- Gone on a date: oh yea
- Gone to the mall?: only if I have to
- Eaten an entire box of Oreos?: 1/2
- Eaten sushi: oh yea - im addicted
- Been on stage: oh yea
- Been dumped: oh yea
- Gone skating: oh yea
- Made homemade cookies: not if I can help it
- Gone skinny dipping: oh yea
- Dyed your hair: blue purple, green. redd - you get the idea
- Stolen anything: oh yea
- You sound boring: were you listening?

2003-06-20T17:04:00.000-04:00
what a blah day, we've done allot of nothing so far. Well actually Althea and I did quite well with writing 3 letter rhyming words. She FINALLY started seeing the pattern. For a while there I was full of frustration, I know better than to push so I just .today she got it...at least for now.

now for the friday 5
nevermind - im not into it right now

2003-06-18T23:09:00.000-04:00
so this looked fun

LAYER ONE:
- Name: jes
- Birth date: October 3
- Birthplace: pittsfield ma
- Current Location: gt barrington ma
- Eye Color: blue
- Hair Color: today bright red streaky over blonde
- Height: 5'7"
- Righty or Lefty: righty

- Zodiac Sign: Libra

LAYER TWO:
- Your heritage: irish/english/welsh and american indian
- The shoes you wore today: clogs
- Your weakness: sushi
- Your fears: ticks mostly, and earwigs
- Your perfect pizza: olives, garlic, artichoke hearts and basil
- Goal you'd like to achieve: yeah, thats a good one

LAYER THREE:
- Your most overused phrase on AIM: wtf
- Your first waking thoughts: where ami? oh - coffee
- Your best physical feature: my ass
- Your most missed memory: most of my life so far

LAYER FOUR:
- Pepsi or Coke: coke
- McDonald's or Burger King: taco bell
- Single or group dates: single
- Adidas or Nike: im a shoes whore - simples for sneaks

- Chocolate or vanilla: vanilla or white chocolate
- Cappuccino or coffee: coffeeca after dinner cappo with sambu

LAYER FIVE:
- Smoke: when I drinkn
- Cuss: all the fucking time
- Sing: not well but often
- Take a shower everyday: hehe, ok
- Do you think you've been in love: definatley - several different kinds of it
- Want to go to college: fuck no
- Liked high school: as much as the dentist
- Want to get married: btdt
- Believe in yourself: Sometimes
- Get motion sickness: only if im reading
- Think you're attractive: depends
- Think you're a health freak: yeah right (sarcasm abounds)
- Get along with your parent(s): yes - they annoy the fuck out of me but they are awesome laid back peeps
- Like thunderstorms: yeah
- Play an instrument: ive played like a ton but never for long

LAYER SEVEN
Ever.
- Played a game that required removal of clothing: oh yeah
- If so, was it mixed company: oh yeah
- Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: oh yeah
- Been caught doing something: not really
- Been called a tease: i don think so
- Gotten beaten up: been at both ends i spose
- Shoplifted: yes, as a kid
- Changed who you were to fit in: just my outfit

LAYER EIGHT:
- Age you hope to be married: oops - all ready am
- Numbers and Names of Children: 2 girls Althea 5 and Isabella 3
- Describe your Dream Wedding: it was already perfect
- How do you want to die: later
- Where you want to go to college: life university
- What do you want to be when you grow up: a grown up - actually i want to be something cool that makes allof $$$$
- What country would you most like to visit: lately..um anywhere in europe

LAYER NINE:
- Number of drugs taken illegally: i was sposed to be counting?
- Number of people I could trust with my life: 3
- Number of CDs that I own: um i own allot of mp3s but my cds all get ruined
- Number of piercings: 5
- Number of tattoos: 3 - 4th comin soon
- Number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper?: 4 or 5?
- Number of scars on my body: ha - people can answer these questions
- Number of things in my past that I regret: i refuse

2003-06-18T22:42:00.000-04:00
so wow. Ive been in Montreal for a bit, now Im back to reality, it sucks!! I want to move there so badly, does anybody know how to get a work visa for canada?
I heard this joke today when I got back to check my HUGE amount of email
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A chicken and an egg are lying
in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette
with a satisfied smile on its face.

The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet and rolls over and
says,

"Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I found it completely hilarious!!
Im tired. I had a wonderful relaxing evening coming home after Sushi dinner to read my book and drink more saki and eat left overs.......

more to come

2003-06-13T13:43:00.000-04:00
hair

tattoo
and my old ass tattoo- er..arm tattoo
alright my pics are lame and not uploading right so heres linkks

2003-06-13T13:28:00.000-04:00
1. What's one thing you've always wanted to do, but never have?
spend my winters in Mexico

2. When someone asks your opinion about a new haircut/outfit/etc, are you always honest?
I try to give a positive remark, when necessary Ill give both pos. and neg. - i dont like to lie - im always the one to tell you theres food in your teeth...

3. Have you ever found out something about a friend and then wished you hadn't? What happened?
Well, I found out my cousin (and friend) screwed around with this married asshole whose wife i am aquainted with. Nothing has happened except that I hate harboring that information...

4. If you could live in any fictional world (from a book/movie/game/etc.) which would it be and why?
Probably Harry Potter cause I dig the thought of witchcraft.

5. What's one talent/skill you don't have but always wanted?
to be art inclined. I can barely draw stick figures, id love to be able to be a painter....I would really like to be better at video editing which Im trying to work on.

2003-06-13T12:28:00.000-04:00
I got my hair dyed and cut!!! its streaked red-red and . the red seems to be fading pretty fast. I REALLY wanted some orange streaks too - next time. Also the girl just did the top so its all strwberrish underneath. Next time (which will be soon) im going to ask her to do orange and red and blonde ALL over my head rather than just the top. its a good start. The stupid antibiotics are giving me nausea and the shits - but my tooth is getting better, im not quite sure how that trades off since both things are m least favorite pains. I miss Blogging but Ive been so fucking busy latley that its out of control. Going to montreal on monday for 3 days then Malika's coming back for 2 weeks so it doesnt seem like it'll be slowing down anytime soon. Ill be in and out as much as possible. hers some pics that Althea took. My hair (and me) which I just cant believe Im even posting here as I think Im pretty funny lookig.

and my Tattoo which I just got the finishing touches on after 2 years of doing nothing.

OK now Im pissed - I finally have pics touploaad and blogger fucking screws me - FUCK!!!

2003-06-11T19:18:00.000-04:00
So im back from the dentist. I definatley have a gum infection, i dont have a root canalish type problem, and there isnt any rot or anything. So all that is relatively good. I do however have to goto an oral surgeon to see why the gum became infected so as to not have it become infected again. Im off to a birthday party that I dont exactly want to goto. ILOVE THE GIRL WHOSE BDAY IT IS BUT IM TIRED AND DRUGGED UP ON PaIN KILLERS AND antibiotics and just want to get alittle sleep - ya know?
Im getting my hair cut tomorrow by my neighbor - im siked cause she is the only person who ever cuts my hair the way I like it. I feel like Pink feels about hair cuts, just read this and you'll see. Im off to vegitate for a bit before being late to previously mentioned party.
LATER, MY NERVOUSNESS ABOUT HOMESCHOOLING AND HOW MANY TIMES IN THE LAST 2 WEEKS IVE ALMOST THROWN IN THE TOWEL.

2003-06-11T13:42:00.000-04:00
WOW - its been a week since I blogged. Sorry 'bout that. Ive been a mess. Thursday night I worked, Friday during the day at the office, Friday nigh the resturaunt, Saturday day the Flower Shop, Saturday night I got called in to the RiverFront to Bartend. Sunday night I ended up with a infected tooth.. I went to the Dr monday and I goto the dentist today, Im really looking forward to finding out if Ill need a root canal or my tooth out or what. AAAHhh I have horrible anxiety over dental issues. I also went to the dr today for a Lymes Test cause Ive been so low energy. of course considering how busy my weekend was I suppose I could just be in recovery. I have to go blog around a bit, I havent been online in a while. - the minutes are counting down until the denstist - im really quite scared shitless..........

2003-06-04T13:50:00.000-04:00

borderline

Which Personality Disorder Do You Have?
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2003-06-04T12:52:00.000-04:00

This thing from The Onion would be FunnY if it werent really true...
" "Sometimes, Tom can be a real downer," said roommate Eric Callas, 23. "He'll hole up in his room, and if you try to talk to him, all he does is bitch, bitch, bitch. But once you get to know him better, you see that he's got this totally wild-and-crazy, life-of-the-party side, too. When that comes out, everybody's all like, 'All right! The ol' Tomster we know and love is back!'" "

""What these people don't realize is that Tom has a deadly serious mental illness that, left untreated, will wreak untold havoc on his life," Wenger said. "He is trapped in a self-destructive cycle that could one day prove fatal. There is nothing 'fun' about his disorder, no matter how it appears to outsiders. Tom is a very sick man."

Told of Wenger's appraisal, Ruzek strenuously disagreed.

"Me? I'm fine," Ruzek said. "In fact, I'm so far beyond fine as to be essentially perfect. I would go so far as to say that I am the most perfect being ever to walk God's green earth. Hey, who wants pizza? I'm buying. No, wait?Chinese. No, wait?sushi. No, wait?where are my car keys? I feel like driving 100 miles an hour around the parking lot of that abandoned screen-door factory at the edge of town. Let's blast some Andrew W.K. and scream at the top of our lungs until dawn.""

YOU REALLY SHOULD READ THE WHOLE THING

2003-06-04T12:33:00.000-04:00
This article in The Nation about legalization and what the GOP is doing to prevent it is outrageous...listen

"The ads, mostly on television, have stirred controversy since Walters took over and began running strident drugs-equal-terrorism spots that declare that personal use of marijuana supports terrorism."

"By Walters's lights, even allowing dying cancer or AIDS patients some pot to alleviate their pain is de facto legalization. Until drug reform lobbyists sounded the alarm and Democrats dug in their heels, starting this fall he could have used the ads to urge voters to reject initiatives permitting medical marijuana or mandating treatment rather than jail for nonviolent drug addicts. The ads might also have been used against such candidates as Massachusetts Democrat Barney Frank and Texas Republican Ron Paul, who have introduced legislation banning federal prosecution of pot-using patients in states that have legalized medical cannabis"

" And why limit the propaganda to drugs? During the costly, high-profile Super Bowl broadcast, ONDCP showcased an ad titled "Pregnancy." Having the baby was the only option for a young teen who lost her moral compass after smoking marijuana and getting pregnant as a result. As a spokesman for the American Life League told me, "Without question, there is a very strong but subtle prolife statement in this commercial." "

Its all just ridiculous if you ask me. How many people do YOU know that got pregnant cause they were STONED - OMM that so stupid!

2003-06-04T11:38:00.000-04:00
Still sick...I took a bath this morning and now theres some movement in my chest so thats a good sign. My truck died last night. Just wouldnt start at all. It is making me REAL depressed. I LOVE my truck, I know how wrong it is to love inanimate objects but my truck and my laptop have my love, other than that material goods dont get me. I bought the truck when Althea was 4 months old. I used to have a bright Pink Ford Aspire which was a great car but it felt like I was surrounded by tin foil, I felt like if I ever got hit by an SUV we'd have been dead. I also always dreamt of 4 wheel drive (i like in the northeast you see), so I bought the truck. I almost bout a mitubishi montero but that was way too soccer mom for me. So 5 years later and I have owned it for alittle over a year, I never mind fixing it cause its better than a car payment, ya know. BUT i need it - it was in the shop for some transmission work - just a servicing, but my mechanic was really busy so it was there for a week. I just got it back monday and now (tuesday night) it died, bbaaawwwaaaaahhhhh!!!
Christy moved, Isabella and I are sad. We didnt get to see them that much but she is one of my favorite people and now its back to internet relationship for a bit. I just hope they decide to move back to this area and dont move to like Texas or something. Ill be back - i need some coffee.....

2003-06-03T10:54:00.000-04:00
I am still sick. Its driving me crazy. Sunday was a LONG day, but very fun. i dont have anything of intersest to say except that Im sick and tired of being sick.

2003-06-01T12:42:00.000-04:00
well - we're off to a busy day at graduation parties and the like. I still am omn the mend - but it no longer feels like theres barbed wire wrapped around my lungs, phew!
ill probably have pictures at the end of the day that I may post tomorrow. tilll then heres one of Elly last week - (with hair) preparing for the nice weather we are sure has to come sometime soon and Althea all looking at a worm........

2003-06-01T11:27:00.000-04:00
So my big worry in homeschooling is socialization. This article I found by a link from BlueViolet
"I've never really thought that a complete stranger's six-year old child would be a good source of information on the correct standards of behavior in our family and in society as a whole. As for socializing, I remember from my school days that it was something you weren't supposed to be doing during class!" We do not have to defend homeschooling based on false assumptions, false accusations and false information. Please stop telling others about all the opportunities your kids have for "socialization" and start gently exposing them to the real issue here -- a lot of what kids learn from other kids in social situations is simply living according to "The Law of the Jungle." In our family, we have a higher set of laws to follow and I bet your family does, too. "

2003-05-31T23:33:00.000-04:00
This is a horrendous thing!!!!! what came to mind immediatley was a picture of Pinky and the Brain standing next to a silo, saying ,"first we'll geth them to eat the poisoned corn then...WE"LL TAKE OVER THE WORRRRLD!!"

2003-05-31T23:12:00.000-04:00
I love being from massachusetts!! John Kerry is quoted in this article about Bush's post war actions...
"Senator John Kerry, who raised questions about the war but ultimately backed it, took a different tack. He wrote to Bush requesting that he "instruct the Secretary of Treasury to identify Saudi Arabia as a primary money laundering concern [for terrorists] under the authority provided" in the USA PATRIOT act. In doing so, Kerry was implicitly criticizing the commander-in-chief of not doing all he could to neutralize the evildoers. (Is the Saudi connection an Achilles' heel for Bush? The Bush clan--including former President Bush and former Secretary of State James Baker--have long had business dealings in Saudi Arabia, and one cannot do business there without cozying up to the autocrats. So how tough can Bush get with the Saudis?) "

2003-05-31T21:36:00.000-04:00
take 2.......

my last post got gone...
IvyBlogs brought up a point about the ideal that we compare ourselves too, she was using homeschooling as an example, but I suspect it would be good to explore this in all aspects of our lives. I dont know how to put into words (esp.as elequently as she did) my 'perfect homeschooling family', I do know they would be more social than we are. They wopuld definately be more organized and schedules...not necessarily rigid time wise , but more routine. Some sort of academic regularity would put my mind at ease. I see them learning in front of me, but something about the daily routine of study seems like a good idea. I know as a person I would like to be more political or at least participate in activism... I could cite specifics but I think it would be redundant because mostly as a human I would like to be more aware of everything around me... I know now why my blog entries are short ... because my children are small!!!

2003-05-31T20:49:00.000-04:00

What are you the Goddess of?
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2003-05-31T18:50:00.000-04:00
Video-Game Killing Builds Visual Skills, Researchers Report

Alright this is absolutley disturbing, but at least they add this....

"But Dr. Bavelier emphasized that the improved visual attention skills did not translate to reading, writing and mathematics. Nor is it clear that they lead to higher I.Q. scores, although visual attention and reaction time are important components of many standardized tests. "

and this (eww)

"Dr. Bavelier said the next step would be to tease the games apart to find out what aspects promoted brain changes. Are violence and danger necessary? Does this sort of brain plasticity change with age? Will it affect certain measures of intelligence?

Meanwhile, she said, the military is already exploiting action games to train special forces.

"To enter territory you've never seen and detect where your enemies are," she went on, "you need an accurate understanding of the visual scene." "

The whole thing is disturbing. There is no need for such violence. Whats the matter with tony hawke?

2003-05-31T13:37:00.000-04:00
So i still am sick and its drivingme crazy. Lee is also feeling like shit and so out interactions are, well.... not nice. We did go to see Finding Nemo which was awesome.

Pixar does an exellent job again. Monsters Inc. rocks as did both Toy Story's (IMHO). So that was fun. Im sick of being sick. We have like 3 parties to goto tomorrow, 3 graduation and 1 birthday, I want to feel better so badly!!! I assume Leland will be going out tonight so that will ensure that I goto bed at like 9. weekends like this Im sick for, every other day of the year Im fine and theres nothing to do, Its my luck I tell you. I am a social animal, I could go out every night of the week and still want social interaction, I dont know how I survived the 2 years I was housebound after I had Isabella...actually I do know - not very well. I was completely miserable, depressed and suicidal - not fun at all. The weird part was that I wass also borderline agraphobic, so my very depression was uncurable by myself...ah retrospect is a awesome thing!
On another note the dog is simply obsessed with the kittens. He just will not give it up. He isnt exactly trying to eat them...but hes not exactly NOT trying to either.
Life goes on.......

2003-05-29T12:43:00.000-04:00
This is awful!!
Thanks Conflict Girl